You’re going to college, yay! Your parents have agreed to let you sign off on thousands of dollars in student loans, which you will figure out how to repay later, once you’ve completed your communications degree. But those silly loans are four years away. For now your biggest challenge will be making people think you’re normal. That starts with your dorm room. Follow these decorating tips and you’ll be blending in like a normal kid in no time!
- Lava Lamps – These are the only four years of your life when lava lamps will be acceptable accent pieces. My advice? Cash in while you can. And when some guy named Chad inevitably knocks it over and shatters it on the floor during a pregame, do your best not to inhale the fumes, as they are extremely toxic. I repeat, do not inhale the fumes.
- Posters – Obviously you’ve already bought a Bob Marley poster, and that was a great decision. Every normal kid will have a Bob Marley poster, even if they don’t smoke weed or listen to reggae music. For guys, you also can’t go wrong with the Belushi college poster or a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition blowup of Kate Upton. These will prove that you like to party, you’re horny, and you’re heterosexual, like a normal kid.
- Tapestries – Ladies, all the normal girls will be hanging tapestries in lieu of posters. These should look fairly Eastern in style, like something you’d find draped over a Hindu shrine or swaddling a young Buddhist child. If anyone ever asks you about what it means just shrug and say something like “I don’t know I just really liked it.” Nine times out of ten this will literally be enough explanation for whoever asked. Also, be sure to hang Polaroid photos of your friends and family from dainty string on your wall. Between these and the tapestry, you will conjure a sense of individuality through your room decorations, just like all the other normal kids.
- Empty Bottles – Whenever you finish a whole handle of vodka in one night, which, if you’re normal, will be often, go ahead and place that empty on a top shelf in your room. Though you may be ashamed of what you did while you were drinking said vodka, the empty bottle is a trophy to normal kids. The empty bottle will prove that you drink, and make sure to add to your collection all year long!
- Beanbag Chair – Regular chairs are for kids with scoliosis. No normal kid room is complete without a beanbag chair. It’s terrible for sitting, sleeping and having sex but you’ll use it for all of that anyway.
- Empty Pizza Boxes – It won’t smell great but you’ll need to keep these on top of your trashcan basically all the time. Normal kids eat pizza, and not much else. Without the pizza boxes, you’ll risk accusation as a weirdo who doesn’t like pizza. If you’re lactose intolerant, simply fish through the dumpster behind the dorm, you’re guaranteed to find a pizza box to use as a prop to shield you from accusers.
- Phone Chargers – Don’t bother bringing any to college. Normal kids will typically just steal them from weird kids and even from each other. Once you manage to steal one, chew up the chord like a rat to differentiate it from the others. For now this will be enough to protect your normal kid charger from another thief like you.
- Febreze – Between the pizza boxes, sticky beer stains on the floor and the all the normal kid pot you’ll be smoking, you’re normal kid dorm room is going to smell pretty bad. But it’s ok, that’s normal. Invest in a spray bottle of Febreze, and pick a scent like Lavender or Fresh Meadow. Go ahead and douse your room with this stuff two or three times a day. While you’ll never fully get rid of the pizza and weed smells, you’ll add a fairly good smell into the mix. Plus, pretty much all your stuff will be a little bit damp with the Febreze instead of being damp with nothing. Don’t worry if you can still smell the pizza boxes and beer alongside the Febreze, this is just what a normal kid’s room smells like.
That’s it! Go forth and be normal class of 2022!
By Fletcher Bonin